this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
that is very illegal...i love you.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
