i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
