i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
