Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I didn't notice because vodka
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
