suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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