Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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