We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
