This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
