I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
