I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
