If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
