The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
third nipple confirmed
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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