he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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