mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I will pee on everything he values.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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