Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
So much rum. So many feels.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
