I am spending my child support on dildos
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
