my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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