She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
