i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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