just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
