I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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