I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
