I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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