After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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