Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Randomize
