In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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