Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
