Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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