I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
