i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
