I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
