Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
