I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
