he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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