I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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