Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
