swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
