I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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