i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
