dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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