Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
