there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
