Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
