Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
