i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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