battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
