Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
