She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
