you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
