alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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