Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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