I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
