your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
