I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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