Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
