Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
