addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
