So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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