We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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