yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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