there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
